ASK THE EXPERTS ABOUT
General LGBT Aging Issues


Q Growing old in the closet
  May 5, 2009

If I can't leave the closet, how do I survive it? I've been married for 35 years to a woman I love deeply but not passionately. I am a professional with challenging work, have two grown kids and have a strong loving positive relationship with them. I'm over 60, and I was sure I could suppress the storm raging from within me all these years, but as in the song "... there are some storms we cannot weather", I, too, am so afraid of losing everything. I was so sure that with age the desire for passionate love would cool and the soul would slowly simmer but not burn. I was wrong. I long for a passionate friendship but neither can nor will leave my wife nor tolerate the "Down-Lows" of betrayal and denial. So how do Ibreathe in this claustrophobic closet of my own making and survive the endless aching sleepless nights of secrets in the dark?


A Response from Dr. Kooden

You have clearly stated that you love your wife and have no intention of ever leaving her. Since that is a given, it is essential that you think about starting to have a more open and honest relationship with her. I am sure she knows that something is missing or maybe she knows more than you think and is satisfied with your deep and continuing love for her. Talking with her does not mean that you have to leave her or end your relationship with your children. You are suffering by being in the closet and only part of it is your longing for a passionate relationship with a man. Another part of your suffering is the burden of being secretive which only adds to the "lack" that you feel in your life. It is extremely difficult to have feelings that you are totally alone and cannot share with your loved ones. In many big cities, there are lgbt community centers that have groups for men who are married. There are also groups for women like your wife as well as books written by these women. Check them out and also try the internet. Talking about this with others, possibly including your wife, can ease some of the extreme pain that you are experiencing. Once you no longer feel so isolated and alone, you can then re-evaluate your life and have a better idea of what step to take. Do not assume that talking with others or your wife means you have to leave your her and your children. Take this one step at a time. Harold

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