1. I lost my partner a few years ago. While we were together, we had no need for other friends and so I lost touch with people. Now that I am alone again, I am having trouble meeting new people for friendship, not to mention finding a new partner. The bars never worked for me, and now that I am older, I really feel out of place in that milieu. When I try other events for older gay men, I find that the people who know each other stick together and I feel like a wallflower. How can I meet new people for friendship and possibly a new relationship?

Hi there, Being a gay widower is a difficult position to be in. First of all, have you joined any groups dealing with being a gay widower? It does not surprise me that you are feeling as an outsider when you go to gay venues. But from what you said, this is not something new. If you felt that being in a relationship precluded having friendships, then you need to start learning how to be a friend and how to socialize. You need to learn a whole new approach to what it means to be a friend. Congratulations that you have made the important attempts to go to events for older gay men.

That is the first step. The second is working on your social skills. I come from the belief that many gay men are not socialized very well and have to learn how to engage and be interested in other gay men, beyond sexual encounters. So yes, these men stick together and do not reach out to you. But that does not mean it is permanent. It may simply be their way of being comfortable in a social situation which means you have to exert a bit more energy in breaking through their wall or their social discomfort.

In a perfect world, these men would reach out to you, welcome you and help make you feel more comfortable. The reality is that they probably will not do this initially. Be persistent and let them see your interest. Keep going to different venues and make sure you do not act like a wallflower and put up a wall around youself. Try approaching thse men in the way you wish other men would approach you--be interested in who they are by asking questions about them. Assume they are nervous meeting you and they need some assistance in becoming comfortable.

It sounds like meeting new gay men (and maybe lesbians) is paramount at this time in your life. You are now learning how to socialize and be a friend. Don't complicate your life by focusing on "finding a relationship."

Let me know how it goes. Harold