ASK THE EXPERTS ABOUT
General LGBT Aging Issues


Q Telling my children I'm gay
  Mar 21, 2008

I'm a lesbian and my adult children don't know, but I want to tell them before I die, but I'm afraid they might reject me. Any suggestions you can give me?


A Response from Dr. Kooden

Hello there,

Yes, there are a number of suggestions that I can make. Since you are using the SAGE website, I am assuming that you are a member of SAGE. If not, join and get involved in some of the women's groups and talk about your situation. I know of a number of lesbians who were married in a non-gay relationship, had children and came out only after the children were grown. Most had a positive experience and their children are still a part of their lives. So talk with these women about their fears and the result of their coming out. Remember how long it took you to come to grips with who you are. Give your children time to adjust and be supportive of them during this process.

There are also books available on how to tell your children. Go to your local bookstore and/or online and see what feels comfortable for you. But most importantly, make sure that you have a support group around you during this process. You will see that, for the most part, your fears were unfounded. Even with a strongly negative reaction initially, the situation usually does improve.

Coming out is an ethical act as you are saying that honesty is the principal tenet by which you want to live your life. Give them time to adjust to that and to the fact that you are not the person that they thought they knew. Many people say that they are the same person and their sexuality does not change that---this is not true as you have added a powerful dimension to who you are. You may love your children the same but you are not the same person as you have added honesty and transparency to your life.

And be sure not to let any initial reaction on their part turn you away from them. You have told them a big secret and their reaction might be to that, regardless of the content of the secret. Do not be surprised if they are angry about your revelation. It may not be homophobia but that their mother had not been honest with them.

So do some talking with friends, do some reading, build a support group around yourself and continue to be the loving mother.

Best wishes, Harold


 

 



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