MY PARTNER OF 30 YEARS PASSED LAST AUG.25TH,MY BIRTHDAY,I MISS HIM EVERYDAY.I DO GET THE SAGE PUBLICATIONS AND I KNOW THERE IS PLENTY OF HELP OUT THERE BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP.8 MONTHS AFTER HIS PASSING I STILL CRY AND PRAY FOR HIM EVERYDAY.IDO SEE A DOCTOR EVERY WEEK BUT I,M JUST LOST AND LONELY.THANKS FOR ANY SUGGESTIONS YOU MAY OFFER.

Dear Gay Widower,

I shall answer you from the perspective of a professional who is also a a gay widower. Thirty years means that you have had a long life in which he was a daily part. It is no wonder that it has been difficult for you. Each of us has our own pace with which we deal with the grieving process. The first year is the hardest since we daily have to go through the "first" time in that year--the first holiday, first birthday, first anniversary. . . And especially since he died on your birthday, you have a full year to keep being reminded of how much you miss him. Since you do see a doctor each week, you are staying in contact and doing something to help yourself.

There does come a time when the acute, stabbing pain of grief becomes a more muted, chronic pain. You loved him and he will always be a part of you. He is not your ex-partner but your late partner. This is a distinction that is important for me in terms of your letting yourself have a life again. Your love for him and the meaningfullness of your relationship is not measured by how much you grieve for him. In time, you will recover the energy to get involved in the world again. This does not mean that you are trying to replace him or find another relationship. You just want to start having a life without his living presence. You are aware of SAGE and all the groups that it offers so you know there are activities out there.

This is a time to let your friends know how you feel and to reach out to them. Take small steps at first without feeling that you have to pretend. After thirty years, I am sure your friends know how difficult this is for you. If you did not have many friends when he died as you isolated yourself, then part of your problem is your tendency to isolate which existed before his death. And if you had friends when he died, then slowly reach out to them. Do not pressure yourself into thinking that you should go out and be social as if nothing happened.

You have a right to your grief and your timing. Do not let someone else's schedule dictate how you should feel or act. You have already taken a first step by writing to me. Now take a small, second step--make a phone call.

My best to you, Harold

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