Ask the Experts about General LGBT Aging Issues
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Q: Free Speech vs. Fighting Homophobia
I was recently confronted with a situation that has still left its mark on me. A member of a gay mens' chat group sponsored by a GLBT senior center made statements such as "Those with AIDS deserve what happens to them" "I would be a picket protesting Gay Pride parades with all those drag queens and guys in leather with their asses exposed". While others in the group advised me to ignore this "jerk", I couldn't. The group facilitator and executive director focused on me as the messenger of this news, though I never confronted the man in the group. The administrators expressed that everyone had the right to express their opinions. I made it clear that this man's free speech was in direct opposition to the mission statement of the organization to "provide a positive image of LGBT people" and to offer a safe and supportive place for LGBT seniors. I stopped attending the chat group and declined my services as a volunteer as an RN, something I was looking forward to. I re-read your writing on aggrandized power in Golden Men realizing I couldn't give up my power because administrators couldn't or wouldn't come up with a way to address homophobic speech other than to claim political correctness. I noticed a difference existed between myself and the group members and administrators. I just turned 60 and most of these men were older. I was at Stonewall, became a nurse to take care of my brothers when I found I had escaped the plague of AIDS. Tolerance never was nor is something I choose. I am accepted or not for who I am and always have been because I have never allowed someone to take my power or ask me to limit it for whatever reason. Is this generational difference going to mean I will now have to battle homophobia, internalized or blatant, with my older brothers? Is there a place for a life-long activist to "retire", discuss differing opinions, without having to go back to the very beginning, where acceptance is the norm and tolerance is an evolutionary step now applicable to the non-gay world in their struggle?
A: Response from Dr. Kooden
Harold Kooden, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dear Activist, First of all, let me apologize for taking so long to answer a very personal and relevant question--there has been computer access problem. Now it is resolved and I hope that your situation has been somewhat resolved. I share your dilemma as I have encountered it many times over the years. Unfortunately, part of it is a generational difference as many men have not had the experience of conscious-raising groups and an opportunity to question many givens in our community. So what do we do with misogynist, homophobic and racist statements that are accepted as their reality when ours is different. Well, we do not stop being an activist nor do we withdraw. What I find essential is to have a support group who can reinforce your thinking. To experience these statements in 2010 and not have them challenged by the administration is doubly painful when it is coming from your own community members. Since you are an activist, you can only keep doing what is your passion while making sure that your batteries are recharged. Is everyone telling you to desist and withdraw. Maybe you can help create this place to have these discussion groups. Talk with the administration about having a forum to present a different way at looking at these statements. "Retirement" is not an option for you as your principles are too meaningful to your life. It is a constant struggle and keep reminding yourself that these men you have encountered do not encompass all old, gay men. There are those who think like you do who are old and there are younger men (the administrators?) who do not agree with you so avoid the trap of thinking in generational terms. It is a constant battle that we activists have to fight--I am sure that you will find a few who agree with you.
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